It´s been a while again.. This time around I thought I would write about the feeling when you dread that you are loosing someone close to you.
In May my mother called me one night that she has a massive stomach ache, well my mom does not complain about pains typically so when she does, you know that she really is in pain. So I immediately went over to her place and took one look at her and noticed she was unable to move so I called the paramedics and they took her to a hospital with the ambulance, I of course hopped on board as well and they took us to the ER. After spending hours over there my mom took a turn for the worse, I was really scared but we thought she would probably get some antibiotics and painkillers as it seemed that she had some sort of inflammation in her stomach. they did some more tests and told me to go home and come back in the morning as they would have the results then and that my mom would be moved to the ward and they would try to get her to sleep a bit.
well called my boss and told him that I wouldn´t come to work the following morning explaining that my mom is suffering from something and we are waiting for results. so after I took my son to the daycare I went back to the hospital in the morning and found my mom in the hospital room crying her eyes out and she was seemingly in pain, I held her and after she calmed down I asked her what was wrong and she told me that they got the results back and that she has cancer and she would undergo surgery that same evening..
that was like a direct blow to my face, it felt like everything around me started to move in slow motion and I could feel my heart drop and my hands begin to tremble, I started crying but pulled myself together because I knew I had to stay strong for my mom and support her through it. so I did.
Eventually the surgeon came to speak with us and explained that they saw tumors in her colon, ovaries and kidneys and that they would be removing the colon and ovaries that night and they would postpone the operation for the kidneys to a later point. I stayed in her room holding her hand when she was sleeping the whole day, made some phone calls to my bro and my son and to sort out the caretaker for my son. eventually they came in informing us that they would take her to surgery in 30 minutes, at that stage I started slipping into a state of pure fear because they had explained that the surgery is a massive risk because of her basic illness but they just have to go forward with it or she would die.
The first time we went to the OR they made us turn back because a car crash victim was brought in and needed emergency surgery so we went back to the ward to wait, it took 4 more hours until they came back (it was 9 in the evening at that point) and the nurse who came to get my mom told me that they can treat me as an exception and that I could go with my mom to the OR prep. room but before she would be taken into the OR room I would have to leave at the door. so there we were, two nurses pushing the hospital bed to the elevator and my mom in pain on the bed and me on her side holding her hand and feeling her hand almost crushing my own as her knuckles were turning white. I hid my own emotions, tried to comfort my mom softening my voice kissing her cheeks and smiling and telling her that everything would go well and I would see her first thing in the morning. we reached the OR prep. room where the surgeon told me that I would have to leave and my mom would now go in and they would start, I kissed and held my mom for as long as I could stroking her hair and wiping her tears reassuring her that she would be fine.
The nurse took me to the elevators to get to the first floor from the prep room and finally when the elevator doors closed I broke down, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor gripping my mom´s knitted jacket to my chest. took a while to gather myself and go home. I didn´t sleep the whole night, I kept calling the OR and each time they just told me that the surgery is still going on and they have no news yet. so finally I fell asleep and woke up in the morning holding my mobile in my hand, called the hospital and they told me she is waking up and I could come over. so I went back after taking my son to the daycare. the cancer diagnosis was confirmed and they briefed us about the situation and the surgery after a week mom was home
she is still recovering from the surgery and we are waiting for the follow up surgery., they will remover her left kidney and start massive treatments when she recovers.
I still feel this crushing feeling sweeping over me from time to time that I will loose her. but taking care of her and being there for me is my no. 1 priority right now in addition to taking care of my son.
I love you mom!!
