It´s been a while again.. This time around I thought I would write about the feeling when you dread that you are loosing someone close to you.
In May my mother called me one night that she has a massive stomach ache, well my mom does not complain about pains typically so when she does, you know that she really is in pain. So I immediately went over to her place and took one look at her and noticed she was unable to move so I called the paramedics and they took her to a hospital with the ambulance, I of course hopped on board as well and they took us to the ER. After spending hours over there my mom took a turn for the worse, I was really scared but we thought she would probably get some antibiotics and painkillers as it seemed that she had some sort of inflammation in her stomach. they did some more tests and told me to go home and come back in the morning as they would have the results then and that my mom would be moved to the ward and they would try to get her to sleep a bit.
well called my boss and told him that I wouldn´t come to work the following morning explaining that my mom is suffering from something and we are waiting for results. so after I took my son to the daycare I went back to the hospital in the morning and found my mom in the hospital room crying her eyes out and she was seemingly in pain, I held her and after she calmed down I asked her what was wrong and she told me that they got the results back and that she has cancer and she would undergo surgery that same evening..
that was like a direct blow to my face, it felt like everything around me started to move in slow motion and I could feel my heart drop and my hands begin to tremble, I started crying but pulled myself together because I knew I had to stay strong for my mom and support her through it. so I did.
Eventually the surgeon came to speak with us and explained that they saw tumors in her colon, ovaries and kidneys and that they would be removing the colon and ovaries that night and they would postpone the operation for the kidneys to a later point. I stayed in her room holding her hand when she was sleeping the whole day, made some phone calls to my bro and my son and to sort out the caretaker for my son. eventually they came in informing us that they would take her to surgery in 30 minutes, at that stage I started slipping into a state of pure fear because they had explained that the surgery is a massive risk because of her basic illness but they just have to go forward with it or she would die.
The first time we went to the OR they made us turn back because a car crash victim was brought in and needed emergency surgery so we went back to the ward to wait, it took 4 more hours until they came back (it was 9 in the evening at that point) and the nurse who came to get my mom told me that they can treat me as an exception and that I could go with my mom to the OR prep. room but before she would be taken into the OR room I would have to leave at the door. so there we were, two nurses pushing the hospital bed to the elevator and my mom in pain on the bed and me on her side holding her hand and feeling her hand almost crushing my own as her knuckles were turning white. I hid my own emotions, tried to comfort my mom softening my voice kissing her cheeks and smiling and telling her that everything would go well and I would see her first thing in the morning. we reached the OR prep. room where the surgeon told me that I would have to leave and my mom would now go in and they would start, I kissed and held my mom for as long as I could stroking her hair and wiping her tears reassuring her that she would be fine.
The nurse took me to the elevators to get to the first floor from the prep room and finally when the elevator doors closed I broke down, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor gripping my mom´s knitted jacket to my chest. took a while to gather myself and go home. I didn´t sleep the whole night, I kept calling the OR and each time they just told me that the surgery is still going on and they have no news yet. so finally I fell asleep and woke up in the morning holding my mobile in my hand, called the hospital and they told me she is waking up and I could come over. so I went back after taking my son to the daycare. the cancer diagnosis was confirmed and they briefed us about the situation and the surgery after a week mom was home
she is still recovering from the surgery and we are waiting for the follow up surgery., they will remover her left kidney and start massive treatments when she recovers.
I still feel this crushing feeling sweeping over me from time to time that I will loose her. but taking care of her and being there for me is my no. 1 priority right now in addition to taking care of my son.
I love you mom!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Friday, May 15, 2015
Money
yup, today I am touching a general subject which sometimes annoys me more than most things for several reasons.
Ok the starting point: yeah you do need Money in your life, that I am not denying and on the other hand I will never say that I do not need it because I do, one of the building blocks of our society is Money, that´s a fact that you cannot avoid it, well ok you can but most of us does not have what it takes to live without it completely.
I have a good salary level and that means I can accomplish some things and save up before my retirement so yeah go ahead you can call me a hypocrite but then again I admit openly that I need money to live my life.
The thing that really annoys me about money is the fact that it always brings massive bad sides in your life I mean there are people that are absolutely ready to do ANYTHING to get more money so generally the saying : everyone has their price can be applied to most people. These people can have a relationship without any feelings towards the other person whatsoever just to have a relationship with their bank account, which is sad.. I mean I would gladly live in a cardboard box if I would always have people around me who would love me, because that really is one of the most important things in life, besides if you want money, why won´t you just earn it yourself? instead of selling yourself. I really don´t see how it´s even good for the person that is in a relationship just for the money.. kissing someone that you have zero feelings for, having sex with a person that you feel absolutely nothing for, sleeping next to someone who you don´t have feelings for, sharing your life with someone you have no feelings for? no never.. I could never live like that and I am sorry to say that I do not have any understanding for people who can just ignore their soul and their own wants and higher level of happiness just to get money. I mean it´s just paper anyways, yeah you can buy things with that but if you just love the money and collect just solid artifacts in your life you won´t be rich, to me being rich is more a thing of the soul, I mean if you gather experiences instead of artifacts and develop yourself I think those things make you rich. I wouldn´t want to face the end of my life admiring beautiful things that would surround me I would want to admire the beloved people surrounding me and to go back in my life and remember all the experiences I've gone through, the people I have met through my journey in this life and remembering all of those quiet, colorful sunsets that I've seen before my own sunset would be upon me, to me that sounds like a better option :)
Also, these people that buy love.. I mean there you go living in a relationship in which you most probably know that your partner would leave you in a heartbeat if you would be broke. a partner that does not get butterflies in their stomach when you get close enough and brush your lips on their neck, or touch them gently and pull them in for a kiss.
I know a person pretty well who is in a relationship like that, this person has sold herself to a guy who, well has a lot of money. I asked her once that doesn't it make you feel sick to be intimate with someone you have zero feelings for just to get access to their money and she told me that nah, sometimes she feels awful when they get intimate and feel like throwing up but afterwards she just treats herself to a shopping spree with his money so it does not really bother her.... yeah exactly, how nice ... *rolls eyes* I would rather just collapse in the arms of my lover afterwards and feel loved and feel love towards my lover.
well, I cannot change anyone and I don´t feel like it even would be anyones responsibility to try and change people like that. I am just very happy about the fact that when it comes to me, I don´t have a price, I wouldn´t do anything for money, I wouldn´t sell myself or my body to get more money, I wouldn´t sell my soul to the devil, you are not able to sell me at least :-D
Ok the starting point: yeah you do need Money in your life, that I am not denying and on the other hand I will never say that I do not need it because I do, one of the building blocks of our society is Money, that´s a fact that you cannot avoid it, well ok you can but most of us does not have what it takes to live without it completely.
I have a good salary level and that means I can accomplish some things and save up before my retirement so yeah go ahead you can call me a hypocrite but then again I admit openly that I need money to live my life.
The thing that really annoys me about money is the fact that it always brings massive bad sides in your life I mean there are people that are absolutely ready to do ANYTHING to get more money so generally the saying : everyone has their price can be applied to most people. These people can have a relationship without any feelings towards the other person whatsoever just to have a relationship with their bank account, which is sad.. I mean I would gladly live in a cardboard box if I would always have people around me who would love me, because that really is one of the most important things in life, besides if you want money, why won´t you just earn it yourself? instead of selling yourself. I really don´t see how it´s even good for the person that is in a relationship just for the money.. kissing someone that you have zero feelings for, having sex with a person that you feel absolutely nothing for, sleeping next to someone who you don´t have feelings for, sharing your life with someone you have no feelings for? no never.. I could never live like that and I am sorry to say that I do not have any understanding for people who can just ignore their soul and their own wants and higher level of happiness just to get money. I mean it´s just paper anyways, yeah you can buy things with that but if you just love the money and collect just solid artifacts in your life you won´t be rich, to me being rich is more a thing of the soul, I mean if you gather experiences instead of artifacts and develop yourself I think those things make you rich. I wouldn´t want to face the end of my life admiring beautiful things that would surround me I would want to admire the beloved people surrounding me and to go back in my life and remember all the experiences I've gone through, the people I have met through my journey in this life and remembering all of those quiet, colorful sunsets that I've seen before my own sunset would be upon me, to me that sounds like a better option :)
Also, these people that buy love.. I mean there you go living in a relationship in which you most probably know that your partner would leave you in a heartbeat if you would be broke. a partner that does not get butterflies in their stomach when you get close enough and brush your lips on their neck, or touch them gently and pull them in for a kiss.
I know a person pretty well who is in a relationship like that, this person has sold herself to a guy who, well has a lot of money. I asked her once that doesn't it make you feel sick to be intimate with someone you have zero feelings for just to get access to their money and she told me that nah, sometimes she feels awful when they get intimate and feel like throwing up but afterwards she just treats herself to a shopping spree with his money so it does not really bother her.... yeah exactly, how nice ... *rolls eyes* I would rather just collapse in the arms of my lover afterwards and feel loved and feel love towards my lover.
well, I cannot change anyone and I don´t feel like it even would be anyones responsibility to try and change people like that. I am just very happy about the fact that when it comes to me, I don´t have a price, I wouldn´t do anything for money, I wouldn´t sell myself or my body to get more money, I wouldn´t sell my soul to the devil, you are not able to sell me at least :-D
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Introducing me
Ok well I thought maybe it´s time to give a short insight to the crazy redheads life who is feeding you her thought´s online :-D Plus that I have been asked to do this and this will answer most questions
Where to start.. hmm im 30at the moment, turning 31 this summer, I was born in 1984 on a beautiful sunny evening in July (Friday the 13th ... yeah I know :-D ). I am Finnish and I live in Finland in a beautiful city by the shoreline called Vaasa. I am a proud mother of an intelligent little boy :)
Currently I work as a Country Import Control Administrator in a big international company that manufactures all sorts of solutions for the electricity sector (will not mention the company name as I do not re-present my company in this blog ) I have worked in International sales and logistics for 14 years now (started when I was 17) I have had multiple roles in the field but the current title probably gives me the most biggest challenge as basically I give the business units specialized customs, logistics and trade compliance support. and yes, my working language is English :) I feel like I mostly speak English during the week :-D
I have 2 older brothers who made sure that I will know how to fix my car etc when I grow up :-D which of course gives me a lot of independence and it probably goes without saying that I am financially independent as well. My mother was a single parent after I turned 6 so we were raised to be independent as well as my father wasn´t around which was good because he is an alcoholic and he was abusive.
Now in the following part I will answer questions that I've received and I will try to paint of picture of myself to people who have never met me in person.. ok so where to start :-D
I have goals and when I have one I will push to reach it. I am loud in a way and I love to goof around and be humoristic, I love to make people laugh and to cheer up their day. I am typically in a good mood and you can see me smiling. I always look you in the eyes when I am talking to you and I think I have good manners as my mom made sure that we did all by the book so to speak. I can be serious and very professional when it is needed. I am outgoing and social but then again sometimes I need a bit of me time just to sit on a rock on a beach at sundown or take a glass of wine and admire the starlit sky and think about stuff or just draw to myself to charge my batteries. I can have a temper if I have a crappy day going on or if I have to push a goal through (at work for example) I have a spine and a set of balls bigger probably than most guys do when it comes to the work me :-D I have colleagues that always joke that I must have a baseball bat stashed somewhere under my desk :-D
I am empathetic. I am also in a way pretty sensitive, I will cry if I watch the news about something horrible or I watch a save the children commercial or watch a cartoon and something bad happens in it, I will also cry happy tears if something super awesome happens in a movie or in some TV series, so I am a bit funny that way :-D
I will tell you straight up if you offended me in some way and not pout and give you the silent treatment for days because I like to try to solve issues before they grow and get tougher to solve.
me as a partner then, hmm I am the type of girl who will cook for you, give you massages, tickle you, play playstation games with you, play pool, watch ice hockey and scream at the TV set :-D joke around, wrestle with you, stroke your hair, pull myself behind you to hug you, touch you, kiss you passionately, keep your needs in mind when we get intimate, snuggle up close to you but there is one warning when I am trying to fall asleep I need my own space :-D also I think time spent with friends is important so I will never get in your way when you want to do that because I need that too so I don´t feel the need to be with you 24/7. Also I believe there are no women or man chores in specific so I expect you to do housework too :-D so to put it in a few words, I am passionate and funny in a goofy way I guess :-D
me as a mother, I am childish in a way and by that I mean I will roll around the floor wrestling with my son, play at the toy store like any other "big" kid :-D play board games, play in the snow and in the water, have a water war with him, I will play lego games, get dressed during Halloween and wear an elf cap at Christmas dinner, sing funny songs with lyrics that I come up as I go along to keep my son entertained and to make him laugh, make sure that he has what he needs without spoiling my kid. I am supportive and I try to teach him stuff. We have long discussions about any topic in the world that he comes up with of course keeping his age in mind to mold my explanation to his current level, we have no taboos. I am sort of a strict mother and if he crosses a limit he will get a punishment like "no TV for 3 days" etc,
ok then the "shell" I will reply to some of the questions here as well. Yes I am pretty tall in comparison to the "average" 173 cm. My natural hair color is golden blonde but I like my red hair, and no it´s not a standard off the shelf hair color, my hair is pigmented so my natural pigment has been replaced with red pigments, too bad it does not grow out like that :-D My hair is cut in a layered style and is pretty long. yes, my hair is naturally curly. My eyes are greyish blue and no I do not wear colored contact lenses and sometimes people tell me that my eyes turn from greyish blue to green and blue in some situations. I have a pigment spot in my right eye so no that´s not photoshopped in my pics. no, I have had no cosmetic surgery on myself, so everything you see was there before too except for the make-up and the hair color :-D ) I have been a tomboy (and still am in a way) until my late teens and I began to show my feminine side around 17. no I don´t always wear make-up, for example during the weekends I usually just have a natural look even though I would be going somewhere of course that depends on the situation :-D my eyebrows do grow in the shape that I have darkened them to, without make-up im just so blonde that even my eyebrows are blonde :-D
then on to my hobbies in addition to writing crappy blog posts I do Kung-Fu, swim and dance and well, anything that interests me so it´s hard to define all of that because it might change tomorrow :-D
so that´s me in a nutshell and if you have something else you would like to know about me just ask :) maybe i´ll post a follow up at some point as a vlog
Where to start.. hmm im 30at the moment, turning 31 this summer, I was born in 1984 on a beautiful sunny evening in July (Friday the 13th ... yeah I know :-D ). I am Finnish and I live in Finland in a beautiful city by the shoreline called Vaasa. I am a proud mother of an intelligent little boy :)
Currently I work as a Country Import Control Administrator in a big international company that manufactures all sorts of solutions for the electricity sector (will not mention the company name as I do not re-present my company in this blog ) I have worked in International sales and logistics for 14 years now (started when I was 17) I have had multiple roles in the field but the current title probably gives me the most biggest challenge as basically I give the business units specialized customs, logistics and trade compliance support. and yes, my working language is English :) I feel like I mostly speak English during the week :-D
I have 2 older brothers who made sure that I will know how to fix my car etc when I grow up :-D which of course gives me a lot of independence and it probably goes without saying that I am financially independent as well. My mother was a single parent after I turned 6 so we were raised to be independent as well as my father wasn´t around which was good because he is an alcoholic and he was abusive.
Now in the following part I will answer questions that I've received and I will try to paint of picture of myself to people who have never met me in person.. ok so where to start :-D
I have goals and when I have one I will push to reach it. I am loud in a way and I love to goof around and be humoristic, I love to make people laugh and to cheer up their day. I am typically in a good mood and you can see me smiling. I always look you in the eyes when I am talking to you and I think I have good manners as my mom made sure that we did all by the book so to speak. I can be serious and very professional when it is needed. I am outgoing and social but then again sometimes I need a bit of me time just to sit on a rock on a beach at sundown or take a glass of wine and admire the starlit sky and think about stuff or just draw to myself to charge my batteries. I can have a temper if I have a crappy day going on or if I have to push a goal through (at work for example) I have a spine and a set of balls bigger probably than most guys do when it comes to the work me :-D I have colleagues that always joke that I must have a baseball bat stashed somewhere under my desk :-D
I am empathetic. I am also in a way pretty sensitive, I will cry if I watch the news about something horrible or I watch a save the children commercial or watch a cartoon and something bad happens in it, I will also cry happy tears if something super awesome happens in a movie or in some TV series, so I am a bit funny that way :-D
I will tell you straight up if you offended me in some way and not pout and give you the silent treatment for days because I like to try to solve issues before they grow and get tougher to solve.
me as a partner then, hmm I am the type of girl who will cook for you, give you massages, tickle you, play playstation games with you, play pool, watch ice hockey and scream at the TV set :-D joke around, wrestle with you, stroke your hair, pull myself behind you to hug you, touch you, kiss you passionately, keep your needs in mind when we get intimate, snuggle up close to you but there is one warning when I am trying to fall asleep I need my own space :-D also I think time spent with friends is important so I will never get in your way when you want to do that because I need that too so I don´t feel the need to be with you 24/7. Also I believe there are no women or man chores in specific so I expect you to do housework too :-D so to put it in a few words, I am passionate and funny in a goofy way I guess :-D
me as a mother, I am childish in a way and by that I mean I will roll around the floor wrestling with my son, play at the toy store like any other "big" kid :-D play board games, play in the snow and in the water, have a water war with him, I will play lego games, get dressed during Halloween and wear an elf cap at Christmas dinner, sing funny songs with lyrics that I come up as I go along to keep my son entertained and to make him laugh, make sure that he has what he needs without spoiling my kid. I am supportive and I try to teach him stuff. We have long discussions about any topic in the world that he comes up with of course keeping his age in mind to mold my explanation to his current level, we have no taboos. I am sort of a strict mother and if he crosses a limit he will get a punishment like "no TV for 3 days" etc,
ok then the "shell" I will reply to some of the questions here as well. Yes I am pretty tall in comparison to the "average" 173 cm. My natural hair color is golden blonde but I like my red hair, and no it´s not a standard off the shelf hair color, my hair is pigmented so my natural pigment has been replaced with red pigments, too bad it does not grow out like that :-D My hair is cut in a layered style and is pretty long. yes, my hair is naturally curly. My eyes are greyish blue and no I do not wear colored contact lenses and sometimes people tell me that my eyes turn from greyish blue to green and blue in some situations. I have a pigment spot in my right eye so no that´s not photoshopped in my pics. no, I have had no cosmetic surgery on myself, so everything you see was there before too except for the make-up and the hair color :-D ) I have been a tomboy (and still am in a way) until my late teens and I began to show my feminine side around 17. no I don´t always wear make-up, for example during the weekends I usually just have a natural look even though I would be going somewhere of course that depends on the situation :-D my eyebrows do grow in the shape that I have darkened them to, without make-up im just so blonde that even my eyebrows are blonde :-D
then on to my hobbies in addition to writing crappy blog posts I do Kung-Fu, swim and dance and well, anything that interests me so it´s hard to define all of that because it might change tomorrow :-D
so that´s me in a nutshell and if you have something else you would like to know about me just ask :) maybe i´ll post a follow up at some point as a vlog
Happy New Year !!
yeah so happy new year everyone :-D
I know I haven´t posted anything for months but I thought I´d start with an update.
Ok so on being busy I have to say that my new role at work really keeps me busy on a non-stop basis but then again I like it. It has given me more responsibility but of course more freedom as well. Also I have a work related project going on which should go-live at the end of this year so that keeps me busy too but it´s all good.
As for my son, it´s strange how much children grow in a couple of months, I cannot believe he is turning 7 next week! so he will start school this autumn which feels so strange to me.
Oh I started a new hobby in January .. Kung-Fu, I love it and it´s been a dream to start that for years now so I am so glad I had time to start with that. Our teacher really pushes us to get us in good shape but I think that´s absolutely positive, even though I sometimes think I will die walking home from the practice :-D
so the house reno.. will continue with that this summer, now the target is to get the cellar transformed into a sauna/ game area / my new bedroom :) so that means that it will have to be dug and insulated etc. so that will be rough, however after that my son get´s a huge room to himself and I get a massive bedroom and we get a sauna back in the house which is awesome!! :) I´ll probably post some stuff about the renovation at some point with pictures included :)
oh well that were the main things in addition to some very personal stuff which I will not share on this blog :-P
I know I haven´t posted anything for months but I thought I´d start with an update.
Ok so on being busy I have to say that my new role at work really keeps me busy on a non-stop basis but then again I like it. It has given me more responsibility but of course more freedom as well. Also I have a work related project going on which should go-live at the end of this year so that keeps me busy too but it´s all good.
As for my son, it´s strange how much children grow in a couple of months, I cannot believe he is turning 7 next week! so he will start school this autumn which feels so strange to me.
Oh I started a new hobby in January .. Kung-Fu, I love it and it´s been a dream to start that for years now so I am so glad I had time to start with that. Our teacher really pushes us to get us in good shape but I think that´s absolutely positive, even though I sometimes think I will die walking home from the practice :-D
so the house reno.. will continue with that this summer, now the target is to get the cellar transformed into a sauna/ game area / my new bedroom :) so that means that it will have to be dug and insulated etc. so that will be rough, however after that my son get´s a huge room to himself and I get a massive bedroom and we get a sauna back in the house which is awesome!! :) I´ll probably post some stuff about the renovation at some point with pictures included :)
oh well that were the main things in addition to some very personal stuff which I will not share on this blog :-P
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