Motherhood, giving birth & womanhood

Now, just to start this out. if you don´t want to know about motherhood in general or you don´t want to read about giving birth move on :)

This morning it suddenly hit me when I looked at my precious, beautiful baby boy.. It was only 5 years and 4 months ago when I first saw him and how big he has gotten all of a sudden. All that love filled me right up and I really started to think about my son, his future, everything he has accomplished and experienced so far and my own motherhood, how it changed me and connected me to something I would call primitive in myself...

Let´s start with the experience of giving birth .. It was the most emotional, wonderful day I have ever experienced. I wouldn´t trade that day to anything, ever. I feel so humble that I was able to do it.
The day started out with pain and a visit to the doctors office and by noon I was having contractions, by 7 that night I was at the hospital laying in a hot bath..

and no I didn´t want any medication. I´ll explain why. First i´ll start by saying that  I think every woman makes the decision for themselves and even if I didn´t have medication I think it´s perfectly fine for a woman to take an epidural if she need´s it. For me, the choice was easy, I have always trusted my body completely, I trusted my body then too, I thought that I would stay better connected to the whole experience through it without medication and I definitely wanted my body to be able to react and tell me what to do.. guide me even through it since I believed that my body would tell me where I am at and what to do, and it did. They tried to even force me to take an epidural because I started bleeding in the middle of the night, I didn´t want one instead I had these grain filled hot bags on my back and I concentrated to every contraction breathing, listening, it was like a wave that came every now and then telling me that the birth was closer and each time it passed I subconsciously smiled knowing that every time the wave was over I was closer ( I went to the hospital at 7 24.4.2008 and my son was born the following morning on the 25th and I didn´t sleep at all during that period because I wasn´t able to ) and wouldn´t you know it, when the time came I really could trust my body to function as it has been designed from the dawn of the human race, when the time came I gave into the whole experience listening to what my body wanted to do.  I cannot explain it, it was a fantastic experience all in all.

I think that giving birth is the moment that an inner goddess wakes up inside of every woman, something so ancient and beautiful comes alive, it´s a moment where every inch of your inner self is fully conscious and aware of it´s surroundings, your senses are tuned to perfection and you are tied down to a line of women before and after you that have been through the same thing.. it´s hard to explain but it truly is a celestial experience even with the pain and blood and all. If you aren´t scared of a little pain I recommend to every woman to try and do it without the meds. I didn´t feel pain when the time came to give birth, hell, that was the moment I had been waiting for throughout the night, I was so happy that I was able to finally do something. That point was an unbelievable experience, I was so tired because I didn´t have any sleep during the night but I found an amazing pool of strength inside of me when I knew that it´s time to see my son ( I didn´t know it would be a son at the time though ) 9 minutes after discovering I still had strength my son was out and 10 minutes after that I was crying because I was so happy, relieved and moved by the beauty of my own child. Oh I still can remember what my son smelled like, the first time he stopped crying when he was moved onto my breast and he heard my voice and recognized it. the way I wasn´t able to fall asleep the following night because I just wanted to stare at him sleeping and I wanted to hold him beside me in the hospital bed, laying there, feeling so complete, feeling so overwhelmed by the love I felt ( and still feel ) for this little human being. My road as a mother started then and the best thing that ever happened to me was becoming a mother and the best thing in my life is being a mother :)

When I was a kid and even when I was a teenager I wasn´t bothered or interested in feminine things.. at an early age my blond locks were cut ( my mother wanted to keep my naturally blond and curly hair long ) because I got to decide for the first time. I didn´t care for dolls, I rather went outside with the boys to have water fights and go to an amusement park or dig in the dirt building castles and all sorts of other interesting, not-so feminine things :) I was tomboy to the bone ( I still am in many ways, If I would have a daughter I wouldn´t know what to do during the "princess period" little girls usually have). In my late teen´s I finally discovered my own womanhood, I started getting into make-up and the whole dress thing. I think im still a tomboy to some extent because I am not afraid of "dirty" work, if I am at a friend´s house enjoying a nice evening I rather sit with the guys playing videogames, playing poker or monopoly or watching a movie than sit with the girls talking crap behind back´s and talking about fashion etc. I feel totally out of place with the girls usually :-D Don´t get me wrong tho, I have a massive feminine side to me as well :) It just doesn't manifest as short skirts or revealing clothes or in any way of overdoing it so to speak.. Now this is another point I just have to mention. Why do some women want to show everything and dress like that? I don´t mean they shouldn´t but I just don´t get it. I have always relied on my charm and personality and I have not had a need to put on some revealing clothes on to get attention as a single woman in a club for example, according to  my experience you just need a magnetic stare and a smile and a confident appearance to do the same thing and sometimes it´s even more effective that way. all in all the point here is that I love being a woman with it´s up´s and down´s. there.. I am done for today :-P